Sonja Stribling, PhD has a laundry list of incredible achievements. She’s obviously got a doctorate degree, she has a multimillion-dollar business, she’s a life and business mogul, an author, an international speaker, TV personality, she’s a recipient of the Barack Obama Presidential Lifetime Achievement Award, just to name a few accomplishments.
But it all started with a 21-year career in the Army, retiring as a major. Stribling joined the Army as mother to a young son when she was 22 years old after overcoming some tough circumstances.
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Fast forward more than 30 years and she’s influencing women around the world to start their own businesses and draw from their personal experiences to create their own successes.
This Women’s History Month, and with the anticipated release of her newest book, “From the Battlefield to the Boardroom,” we wanted to hear how she’s taken the lessons she learned in the military and transformed her life. News 6′s Tara Evans sat down with Stribling to find out.
TE: What made you want to join the Army?
SS: I had a son, I had responsibilities. I grew up in a little small country town in Wilson, Arkansas. Either I was going to be working in a factory, or … yeah, that was the only option in the factory or to do what my mom did. My mother was a housekeeper, and that’s something that I didn’t want to do, either. So I had to leave home. And I went to school for four years, didn’t really want to go get a job. And I didn’t realize that out of youngest of 12, eight out of the 12 siblings were in the military at one point. They were so much older than me, I didn’t know as much about their lives and their careers. And I joined because I wanted to give my son a better life. And I wanted to get the heck out of Wilson, Arkansas. When I entered the military, I came in as a private first class, because I had three or four years of college, but I was short two credits for a degree and then I ended up retiring as a major. I had three combat tours, one in Iraq for 15 consecutive months. And then I had two in Kuwait. And both of those were 12 to 14 months each.
TE: So you join and you got married, you already had a son, and then those were three long deployments. What is that like as a woman?
SS: Yeah, that was very challenging, because by the time the first deployment came, I had three children already. It was challenging, you have to talk to them on the phone, the time difference is normally about 12 to 14 hours. And so just being a mom, it was hard. It was very hard to go through that process and there are a lot of lonely nights crying to make sure your kids OK. And I know for instance, in Iraq, there were times I would tell my family, do not let the kids watch TV. Don’t let them watch the news. Don’t let them hear anything about that because they would worry. And it got a little heated and the kids were worried and things like that.
TE: I’ve spoken to so many different veterans, and yours is the first story where I’ve heard that someone wanted to join to give their son a better life.
SS: I didn’t know any better. I mean, that’s all I knew. I just remember seeing ‘Be all you can be’ stickers on the door. So I did it to get a better life and to get away. I knew I was going to have benefits; I knew I got a chance to travel. And at some point in my journey, what I didn’t share so far, was that I had to give temporary custody to my mom when I joined. That was one of the requirements. And that was kind of scary. I’m like, ‘May I get him back?’ And they’re like, ‘Oh, yeah, you do, it is only for the timeframe that you’re going through your basic training, and you’re at AIT.’ And then I came back later and got full custody back from my mother.
TE: I did not realize that was a thing.
SS: Absolutely. You had to have someone, if you had kids, you had to have temporary custody while you were away. But there is some documentation you had to have in place just in case something were to happen to you. And that someone could take your children if you had to quickly deploy or if you were injured or something like that. That was mandatory, they will release you from the military, if you didn’t have those legal documentations in place.
TE: Did you ever regret that decision to go into the military? I mean, you stayed for quite a while.
SS: I stayed because I didn’t know anything different. I had worked before, once in retail, I did work at a factory during the summertime and all of that. But that was the only option that I thought I had, there were no other options. There was no, ‘Oh, some man is going to ride up on a white horse and just take me away’-- that wasn’t happening. So that was the only option that I knew at the time. When I joined, it was very challenging, because being a female, and it was, it’s a boys’ game. I was an athlete, so I was somewhat in shape, and I’ll say this, it wasn’t looked upon very well if you were somewhat attractive in the face, if I could say that, because they assume because you have a pretty face, you’re probably not that smart. And so I was challenged a lot by people that were junior to me. And even more so by people that were senior, even in the military, sexual harassment, gender discrimination, racial discrimination, I’ve been through it all. And that’s something that I have not had the opportunity to talk a lot about, but it was a thing. And it wasn’t just by men, it was by other females, as well, and sometimes they even looked like me or they were women of color. I don’t know how I stayed 21 years because that was the most challenging thing I’ve ever done in my life.
TE: I was going to ask you if being a woman of color, if you had faced challenges on that, because it shouldn’t be that way, but we know that it is sometimes.
SS: Oh, absolutely. I can just remember an instance where there was someone that I worked for that was junior to me by one rank, I would say she gave me a very hard time and I never understood why. But they always put me in leadership roles over the people that were there. So that caused a lot of friction amongst my peers, especially the men because I was always Junior. And they were just trying to figure out, ‘Are you sleeping with the boss?’ ‘Absolutely not. I have a husband and kids, he has a wife and kids.’ Because it was just my thing, if I’m going to be in this space, I want to show up at my very best. And that’s what I did. That’s why I was always selected to be in the front, to be the leader. And some people did not like that at all. And I had to deal with it. And I never understood. So sometimes I would be dumbing myself down, but that didn’t work very well for me. And so I was like, I might as well just be who have been called to be. And that was a leader to lead from the front and not the back. I call it.
TE: I’m sorry that happened to you, that you were treated that way. But I would imagine you probably learned a lot to contribute to your success today.
SS: Even with all that I went through, I wouldn’t take that back, I would do the exact same thing. I wouldn’t change anything, I’d do the exact same thing and the way I did it, because I did learn a lot. And it really helped shape who I am now and be able to do what I do, still continue to serve after serving my country for 21 years.
TE: How long have you been out?
SS: I retired in 2014. So we’re talking about November of this year, we’ll make 10. A lot of the training is still there. But I’ve learned to smile more and enjoy life more. So if you would ask me, ‘What are the three things or four things that I learned while I was in the military?’ One, always and foremost, is discipline and focus. Because distractions happen, life is life-ing, and they lose focus. And I would say the second thing is not quitting until the mission is complete. Now that’s kind of a like a bold statement because some people are like, ‘How do you know it’s complete?’ I’ve been asked that,. Oh, you’ll know when it’s complete. You’ll know when you’re quitting too soon, you know that there’s more to do, but you quit because it got too hard. The third thing is responsibility and taking responsibility for our own actions. I realize there’s so many people that are walking this earth right now that are blaming other people for the life that they live or the life that they don’t have right now. And they taught us to take responsibility when you make a mistake. And then I would say finally, quick decision-making skills. I learned that because it being in Iraq, there were moments where I didn’t have a lot of time. It was like you had only a split moment to decide and report that decision to a higher up and move from there. So I really use that to this day, make a decision. Stick with it, carry it out. If you realize you made a mistake, you just deal with it and you make adjustments for next time.
TE: When you first got out, how did we go from, ‘OK, this is all I know for 21 years’ to ‘OK, now we’re going to be this wildly successful entrepreneur.’ What’s the interim there?
SS: There was a turning point. I wanted to be successful. I didn’t know what level of success I would get to but I knew if I just started the journey, I would get there. And so when I retired, I went through a season of severe depression at the very end of my career and through, like, the first six to 12 months, even longer, and it was medication to wake up, medication to function during the day, medication to sleep at night. And I share that with people because they think, ‘Oh, you just transitioned from the military and you just came over to the $28 million company?’ Absolutely not. I was in the trenches like everybody else. But it was more of I just knew I wanted something bigger and better. I then quickly went over to become a coach, I became a divorce coach, because I went through a divorce after being married 18 years, and I was still active duty military, it was three years of hell. The transition didn’t happen overnight. It was challenging. And there are plenty of times I wanted to quit. Yeah, but again, I didn’t have that option. Some people had that option, I didn’t. So it was just understanding that I have a role to play and just taking on the responsibilities and knew I had a calling and a purpose that I just decided to answer.
TE: I want to ask a little bit more about your battle with depression for two reasons. One, because there’s a lot of veterans that deal with that. But also, we know that, men and women of color do not seek help with depression. So I would really love if you could tell a little bit more about what you went through it and how you came out of it, because I really think we could help people with that knowledge who look up to you.
SS: Absolutely. So at the beginning, I was in denial. Here I am a believer at that time, I was a major. As an officer, we weren’t supposed to be sick. We’re not supposed to be dealing with depression. I knew people, they were not getting in trouble, but they were being released from the military because they were dealing with this, so they would just throw you to the wolves. These folks had 20 plus years and ‘Nope, you gotta get out’ and they weren’t handling us, I would say, in a proper manner. So I went through the process silently. My immediate team, like my secretary, knew what I was going through, I can remember just one incident. They were doing some construction, they were expanding the building, and there was a bulldozer or a truck out there digging dirt right beside my office window. And I can remember, it was a backfire or something. I literally had an anxiety attack at that very moment. And my secretary heard it, and she’s like, ‘Are you OK?’ And I said, ‘No, I’m not okay, I can’t breathe.’ I’m going through these episodes of anxiety. Because you’re trying, your body is trying to control what your mind is doing and there’s a disconnect. And so I got help for that. But I had to go get the help. I believe what happens to some of my brothers and sisters in arms, it’s almost like you get embarrassed or you’re ashamed, or you don’t want to tell anybody. And so when I came out into the civilian world, I had to deal with it with medication again, just to function. And I can remember one of my dear friends, she’s still a friend to this day, but I had to educate her on something because she said the word crazy. ‘So you’re, like, you’re acting crazy, or something like that?’ I was like, ‘Wow. Is that what you consider crazy? Someone who can’t deal with all the noise around them, or are sensitive to backfire?’ And it was just, most people don’t know what to do with someone with post-traumatic stress disorder, or traumatic brain injury, they don’t know how to deal with them, let alone know about what it really is, they just assume that you’re crazy. And you just keep it to yourself. So for those that are out there, it’s just more of being okay and asking for help. And not just asking but following through of getting that help.
TE: Thank you for talking about that. Because I really think that’s important for people to hear, and to know about. OK, your business now and everything that you’re doing now to help empower people. Tell me a little bit about that and your goals?
SS: Well, you know, it was a decision. Once I was a divorce coach, someone asked me some questions about the business that I had. And I began to quickly transition from being a divorce coach to a business coach, and helping women create their online platforms, coaching and speaking and being an author, I call it a triple threat. And because I was doing it, it was a very simple recipe to just share with other women around the world and begin to spread. And then I realized this power of marketing and social media. And then I just made a decision that I was going to be a leader to other leaders, that are other thought leaders that wanted to build million-dollar brands and multi-million-dollar companies.
And so what are some of the goals that I wanted? Honestly, Tara, I just wanted to pay my bills, right? Like anybody else. I just wanted my bills paid now I’m divorced, I got these kids. I got one in college, I got one at home. And I just wanted a life that I could be proud of. And I quickly realized that I was onto something. I started to realize that a lot of women wanted better and we even felt guilty about wanting to be better. So I started speaking to that and I became very transparent about my, you know, having a child at 15 and being raped and left for dead at 17. And going through a horrible divorce and being clinically depressed and going through bankruptcy and all those things. And I quickly realized that people were drawn to the truth, and authenticity. And so that’s what I began to do. I built a brand off of my heartache and my pain. It was just helping women who lacked confidence and got it to build six figure and beyond coaching and speaking businesses, and doing it from the comfort of their home, and I say, their kitchen table. And so that’s what I’ve been doing for the last almost decade. But it’s more about helping women on this journey, to have infinite success in their life, their career and their business. And it’s just really helping them give themselves permission to be able to do this and not feel guilty and realizing that we’re more than our husband’s wife. And we’re more than our children’s mother, we’re more than caregivers for everybody else. It’s our turn, and that’s OK. So my goals over these next, I would say the next year, is really help be in the forefront to do that. And making a mark in the world, not just for me, but giving people and letting us know that we’re not starting from ground zero, we’re starting on the shoulders of our forefathers and the women that came before us. The more and the quicker we learn that, I believe the better off we’ll be. There are those of us out here that went through the trenches, so other women don’t have to.
TE: If there’s a woman who might want to try something new, or has the ambition and the drive to build a business like this, what do you want her to walk away with?
SS: I want her to walk away with knowing that number one, that you can take your life experience and your knowledge and build a business. You can be a life coach, and it is normally the space in which you suffered the most. That’s how I got started. It was a space that I suffered the most and that was just life and divorce, the thing that shaped who I am today. So she can take a life experience and knowledge and be able to build a business. The second thing is she has to understand she has to get the help to do it. Right, just understanding how you build out a business, that you can work from the comforts of your home, and have freedom and flexibility and the finances that you deserve and your desires, like a life by design. And then the third thing, she’s got to understand that life is going to happen.
TE: Is there anything that I didn’t ask you that you think I should know?
SS: Why do I do this? Why would I even do this? I could just be comfortable in my home with my husband, my new life and all of that. I do it because I realized back then I needed someone to show up for me. I was looking for someone to stand in the gap for me and I couldn’t find them. So what I decided to do and the why I do is because I wanted to be that someone that I didn’t have. So I do it because I know somebody needs to hear my story, better yet, they need to hear the message and they need to know they can give themselves permission to be amazing in this space and in their life.
TE: A few minutes ago, you said that you wanted to build the life that you’re proud of? Are you proud of it yet?
SS: You know, honestly, I feel like I’m just getting started. But I keep feeling like ‘Oh, there’s more. Oh, wait, there’s more. You did that. There’s more.’ Before it was like, ‘Oh, I gotta do this.’ Now I’m looking at, ‘Let’s see if I can do this. Oh, I did.’ And so I don’t believe there’s anything that fails. I believe there’s everything that you learn from, and that’s what I’ve been going off of. So, yes, I am proud, but I also know that there’s so much more. I truly believe I’m just beginning.
Stribling’s latest book, From the Battlefield to the Boardroom, is due out in May. You can pre-order it here.
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