Red, white and weird 🎇

Happy (early/late) Fourth of July, depending on when you’re reading this.

Don’t accuse me of being unpatriotic but I’ve never really gotten behind the whole scarf down hotdogs and chug Budweiser in the name of ‘Merica.

Plus, fireworks scare dogs, veterans and others with PTSD — which is a huge chunk of the first responders in Central Florida who responded to the Pulse nightclub massacre — so keep them in mind before you blast off any mortars.

Inevitably, there’ll be people this weekend who take things a little too far and end up blowing a hand off or setting something on fire. Don’t be that guy.

While I genuinely hope this Independence Day is mishap-free statewide, my spidey senses are telling me it won’t be.

So consider this your fair warning about the content of next week’s newsletter.

🕊️ Birds of a feather

Will the owner of 70ish homing pigeons please report to Volusia County? Your birds are in custody. Things went afowl for these birds Tuesday night when the crate they were in fell off a moving truck, unbeknownst to the driver. Pigeons, just like us people, tend to rest at night so when the crate opened up they just decided to chill in the middle of the road, because that’s always a good place to catch some shut-eye. The birds were disturbed, however, when motorists tried to drive on I-95 and sent the feathered fellows flying toward their windshields. Wildlife officials arrived on scene to find something that looked like an unreleased alternate ending of Alfred Hitchcock’s “The Birds” and immediately got to work on corralling the flock. It only took about three hours.

👀 It was WHERE?

Pitching this story to my boss was fun. Seriously, if I had a dollar for every time I’ve had to ask him if I can put (insert name of private parts/genitalia here) in a headline, I’d be a very rich woman. How I haven’t been fired yet, I have no idea, but my annual review is coming up so that could change. This man who is named, no lie, Shaft Bang Adams, is accused of hiding crystal meth in his penis skin so he could smuggle it into the Orange County jail. I’m no doctor or expert in anatomy but that seems, I don’t know... painful? Or at the very least impractical. Most people choose another orifice, just saying. Since that arrest, deputies say Shaft here was once again caught hiding drugs on his person but this time it was somewhere much more practical.

🥗 #Saladgate

I know that as a vegetarian I should love salads, and I do sometimes, but I don’t really believe in ordering one at a restaurant. It’s something I could easily make at home plus when I ask them to remove the meat, they don’t knock off a couple of bucks from the price so I end up paying $12 for a pile of lettuce. Not cool, unless you’re a rabbit. Apparently, though, the salads at Hillstone in Winter Park are on a whole other almost-get-arrested-over-it level. If you’ve never been, it’s a pretty nice place on the water. I actually low-key got kicked out once because my dining companion had on a tank top. Fun times. Because of that, I have no idea how the food tastes but according to one diner, the salad he ordered was so good he wanted another one to-go to take to his wife. You think that’d be a simple request but the waitress told him no. Taking the setback in stride, he asked for a salad to eat at the table and was once again given a big fat no. Defeated, he settled his bill and decided to leave only to find cops waiting for him outside.

🏃‍♂️ Streakers sentenced

Maybe I’m just jaded but I feel like any time a man has ever promised me anything, they do the opposite. “I promise I’ll look for jobs.” *Stays unemployed forever.* “I promise I’ll cook something good for dinner.” *Gives me food poisoning.* Those are just a few of the more tame examples that have led to me no longer accepting promises as a form of emotional currency, so when I heard that a couple of guys who ran across the field during the Super Bowl in ensembles that look like what you’d see on the beaches in Miami promised a judge that they’d never streak again, I naturally let out a chuckle. Sure you won’t go streaking just like I won’t stuff my face full of fiesta potatoes from Taco Bell and cry myself to sleep tonight. The two pleaded no contest to trespassing and in return received a whopping serving of probation with a side of a $500 fine. While some may call that a slap on the wrist for disrupting a national sporting event and embarrassing the Sunshine State, these two troublemakers claim they’ve learned their lesson.

🐙 Octopicasso

I’m not ashamed to admit that any random octopus you pull from any given body of water is most likely smarter than me and without a doubt more artistic. They really are incredible creatures. Because they’re so intelligent, octopuses that live at aquariums sometimes need enrichment activities to keep their brains active. Sometimes, those activities are enriching for us upright-walking air-breathers as well. Case in point: This cutie patootie at The Florida Aquarium was given a canvas with some paint splotches on it and let loose to do its thing, which essentially resulted in the aquatic creature using a select few of its tentacles to smear said paint around. The end result looks like something an unsupervised toddler would do but the process was entertaining nonetheless. Check out the video for yourself.

I know I’ve been asking a lot of you guys lately but I have another teensy weensy favor. We put together a short survey on affordable housing to help crowdsource some ideas for an upcoming episode of Solutionaries. It’ll only take a few minutes and it would mean the world to me if you could click here and fill it out.